


Letter.

by chogifly



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Suicide, This Is Sad, bittersweet as well, johnny feels happy but bitter, like reallllyy sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-10
Updated: 2018-06-11
Packaged: 2019-05-20 16:33:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14898084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chogifly/pseuds/chogifly
Summary: i love you jaehyun. you are, and forever will be, my beautiful baby boy.





	1. Chapter 1

His hands shook as he picked up the pen, heart heavy as the pen met the paper.

_my baby,_

He gasped, tears filling his eyes.

_i miss you. waking up every morning is so difficult. i always expect some kind of warmth there, a body to hold onto but you're never there. you're never there to hold me, to cuddle me and kiss me, you're never going to be there anymore and it hurts._

He chuckled, salty liquid cascading from his sunken eyes, to his defined cheekbones to his sharp jawline.

_the past few days i've been thinking about the first time we met. in that horrible place, we both met each other just after your counselling session. i bumped into you and fell to the floor, and when i looked up i saw your beautiful face._

Taeyong remembers it clearly.

_this is so cliché but you seriously looked like an angel. you still do. your hair was brown and it fell on your forehead, contrary to the western style you sometimes went with. you wore a cameo pink shirt, khaki-beige trousers with white shoes and two silver necklaces, one with a crucifix and one with a silver feather.  
_

_now that i think about it, you always said psalm 23 was your favourite verse in the bible. i never knew why, until i read it. what were you implying jaehyun? you used to repeat line 4 to me, 'even though i walk through the darkest valley, i will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.' i never understood why you always said that like to me, but now i wish you were here so i could repeat it to you over and over again._

Sobs left his mouth.

_i should have known something was wrong when one day, i didn't see you wear your necklaces. you never took them off, always praying with crucifix in hand, fiddling with the silver feather when you were restless. i don't know why i didn't say anything when i saw how dark your eye bags were, when i saw you were eating less and less, when you no longer prayed every morning, when you no longer prayed and gave thanks before a meal, when you longer had any faith._

_i wish i'd said something, i wish i could stop my baby boy from drowning in the storm that was your mind, i wish i could hold you in my arms and fight away all the bad voices that whispered to your ears when you were in your lowest points. jaehyun, baby, i miss hearing my name come from your lips, i miss nagging at you when you didn't eat, i miss ruffling your soft and fluffy hair, i miss you leaving things everywhere, i miss you so fucking much but you're not here to hear it._

_i keep thinking 'what if i was a better boyfriend?' 'what if i had made you happier?' 'what if i didn't complain so much would you still be here?' i know if you saw me right now you would be shaking your head, insisting that nothing was my fault but fuck, baby i can't help it because it's true. i dragged you down even further and i couldn't pull you back up._

_i miss holding your hands. they were so much bigger than mine, so much prettier, i loved playing with them and i loved kissing your knuckles and watching your cheeks and ears turn red. i miss your personality, you were the softest and most precious boy ever, i loved the way my praises affected you, you would always turn red and hide behind your hands whining my name. those were my favourite moments, when you let yourself be vulnerable in front of me, when you let go it was the most beautiful thing i’ve ever seen._

Taeyong couldn’t stop the cries, the shakes of his body. For the past few weeks he had been feeling numb, feeling empty. Pins and needles had constantly pricked at him, so he was relieved when he cried. It meant that he was finally feeling again, that it wasn’t just emptiness residing within him.

_jaehyun, don’t be afraid. i’ve stopped going counselling now, i took my name off of the list and i’ve stopped taking anti-depressants. i’ve cut off all contact with my parents, so now i’m not reminded of my horrible past._

_maybe you’d be proud of me, if you didn’t know what i was about to do. but i have to do it, it hurts too much, i want to see you again, i need to see you again, i want to see your smile, i want to see your dimples, i want to see your eyes crinkle, i want to see you fidget when i praise you, goddamnit jaehyun i want you!_

_of course i feel bad.. how can’t i? i’m leaving ten, dongyoung and jungwoo and all the others... i’ll never get to hear chenle’s dolphin laugh again, i’ll never get to see jisung make fun of ten’s height, i’ll never get to see lucas and jungwoo subtly flirting with eachother, i’ll never get to see jeno... but jaehyunnie.... i want to be selfish for once._

Taeyong’s hands wrapped around a contraption. At first, the metal was cold in his hand, icy even as he brought it up to his head, but it soon warmed up as Taeyong finished his letter off.

_i may not even end up in heaven, this is considered a mortal sin after all, but i am going to take my chances._

_i love you jaehyun, you are, and forever will be, my beautiful baby boy._

He pulled the trigger.

  
Johnny was mortified when he walked in Taeyong’s room. It was a horrific, the sight, but he couldn’t help but feel a little peace in his heart knowing that Taeyong and Jaehyun were finally together. God would make an exception this once, for the two lovers to reunite.

He was glad Taeyong could finally be happy, because he knows that one day, when it was time, they would both welcome him and all the others to the place Jaehyun had gone first, accepting them with smiles and hugs and a ‘welcome home’.

And they would all stand together, once again.


	2. Chapter 2

this is just a chapter where i explain what happens in the story.

 

basically, jaehyun and taeyong met at a hospital, a horrible place where they felt they weren’t getting any better. when jaehyun knocked taeyong down, they became very close and started to gradually feel better, however taeyong still took anti-depressants when needed.

jaehyun was a christian, which is the reason he always wore a crucifix— i’ll get to the feather later. jaehyun repeated psalm 23:4 to taeyong all the time, telling taeyong that because he was there, jaehyun could face his fears. his demons. he repeated it again and again, but taeyong never really understood until jaehyun died, and read the verse.

taeyong felt something was odd because jaehyun took off his necklaces. jaehyun was always faithful, so taking off his crucifix was always a big deal to him as it meant that he wasn’t putting his trust in god.

i don’t think anybody would have interpreted it this way, but earlier on in the story taeyong described jaehyun as ‘an angel’. when jaehyun died, he left his feather as he flew up to heaven, which symbolises him taking off the necklace.

taeyong was depressed, and jaehyun (who was his only source of hope) had disappeared, leaving a gaping hole in his heart that nothing could fill. he chose suicide because he didn’t want his friends to worry about him anymore, and because he wanted to see jaehyun. it was a pretty selfish thing to do.

however, johnny and the other did actually find some peace. yes, they were distraught, yes, they were upset, but they didn’t have to see taeyong slowly fade between their fingers anymore. they didn’t have to witness taeyong feel numb, empty and depressed.

 

taeyong and jaehyun would welcome them all to heaven when it was time. and they knew that, so they lived their lives, wanting to make the couple proud that they didn’t follow in taeyong’s footsteps.

 

i hope this clears some things up if you were confused.

**Author's Note:**

> this was just something i wrote in the spur of the moment
> 
> gosh i have an exam tomorrow and wednesday and i’m not prepared at all
> 
> i hope this was okay and not painful to read
> 
> pls comment on this i need love and appreciation thank you ;-;


End file.
